If You're Crazy and You Know it, Shake Your Meds

I saw that on a T-shirt online, and it cracked me up. It made me laugh because that's how I think of myself at times. The people who know me well, know that I suffer from bi-polar disorder. But many of you don't know that about me. I'm very open about it, and decided I want to share my story.

My parents were divorced when I was barely older than my youngest is now, so I primarily grew up with my mom. She was re-married maybe a year later or so. The only happy childhood memories I have are from the time my mom and I lived with my grandparents while she was single and when they babysat me during the summers while she worked. That may sound harsh, but it's my reality. But that's a story for another post.
As a teenager, I had issues. I know all teenagers have issues, but I had some major stuff going on that kept me in a dark place mentally. I always wondered what was wrong with me. I know my junior high and high school friends can attest to the fact that I was extremely moody.

I had dark days, but then there were times when I felt like a total spaz. I was hyper, chatty, excited, productive... you get the idea. It's no wonder none of my boyfriends ever stuck around in high school, or college for that matter. That is, until I met my husband. I have no idea why or how he stuck with me, but lucky for me, he did. He never once called me crazy or asked what was wrong with me. He just loved me for the way I was. After I had our first baby, I got a little post-partum depression. After our second baby, I had it again. My doctor put me on Prozac. I thought it would help, but it didn't really seem to do anything. After the third baby, she put me on it again. After my last pregnancy, I took it again for awhile, but I didn't really see the point. Nothing seemed to help me.

Finally, a friend from church was talking with me one day about her depression issues. She told me she found a doctor who finally diagnosed her as bi-polar. I decided to go see him. It couldn't hurt, right? At my first visit, he asked me a million questions, starting with my youth up to the present. When he was done, he diagnosed me as being bi-polar and explained what that meant. A light bulb went on and I thought, "Ohhhh, that totally makes sense now." It was a great day. I finally knew what was wrong with me. I wasn't just completely crazy! That was a couple of years ago. Now, I'm on medication to stabilize my mood. Anti-depressants (like my doctor kept putting me on after having babies) don't help people who are bi-polar unless you also take a mood stabilizer. I joke about it now, "I have to refill my crazy pills," or "I have an appointment with my crazy doctor today."

I still don't know what a "normal" bad day feels like when my doctor asks me. I've never felt normal, so what does that mean? But I don't have days very often where I don't want to get out of bed or leave the house, hiding out in the dark. I still have low days sometimes, but not extremes like I used to. I do welcome the spaz days. Those are the days I get a lot done. I get into an OCD organization zone or I sit and write. Why am I telling you all of this? I'm not sure. As I've gotten older, I've decided I don't like keeping secrets. I'm done keeping hurtful secrets for other people, and so I'm open about all of it now. I want to share in case there are others like me out there, who have wondered their whole lives what is wrong with them. Don't be afraid to ask for help. And don't be afraid to suggest to a loved one that they might need help. This is something hereditary, so it's important to find out about it.