If You're Crazy and You Know it, Shake Your Meds

I saw that on a T-shirt online, and it cracked me up. It made me laugh because that's how I think of myself at times. The people who know me well, know that I suffer from bi-polar disorder. But many of you don't know that about me. I'm very open about it, and decided I want to share my story.

My parents were divorced when I was barely older than my youngest is now, so I primarily grew up with my mom. She was re-married maybe a year later or so. The only happy childhood memories I have are from the time my mom and I lived with my grandparents while she was single and when they babysat me during the summers while she worked. That may sound harsh, but it's my reality. But that's a story for another post.
As a teenager, I had issues. I know all teenagers have issues, but I had some major stuff going on that kept me in a dark place mentally. I always wondered what was wrong with me. I know my junior high and high school friends can attest to the fact that I was extremely moody.

I had dark days, but then there were times when I felt like a total spaz. I was hyper, chatty, excited, productive... you get the idea. It's no wonder none of my boyfriends ever stuck around in high school, or college for that matter. That is, until I met my husband. I have no idea why or how he stuck with me, but lucky for me, he did. He never once called me crazy or asked what was wrong with me. He just loved me for the way I was. After I had our first baby, I got a little post-partum depression. After our second baby, I had it again. My doctor put me on Prozac. I thought it would help, but it didn't really seem to do anything. After the third baby, she put me on it again. After my last pregnancy, I took it again for awhile, but I didn't really see the point. Nothing seemed to help me.

Finally, a friend from church was talking with me one day about her depression issues. She told me she found a doctor who finally diagnosed her as bi-polar. I decided to go see him. It couldn't hurt, right? At my first visit, he asked me a million questions, starting with my youth up to the present. When he was done, he diagnosed me as being bi-polar and explained what that meant. A light bulb went on and I thought, "Ohhhh, that totally makes sense now." It was a great day. I finally knew what was wrong with me. I wasn't just completely crazy! That was a couple of years ago. Now, I'm on medication to stabilize my mood. Anti-depressants (like my doctor kept putting me on after having babies) don't help people who are bi-polar unless you also take a mood stabilizer. I joke about it now, "I have to refill my crazy pills," or "I have an appointment with my crazy doctor today."

I still don't know what a "normal" bad day feels like when my doctor asks me. I've never felt normal, so what does that mean? But I don't have days very often where I don't want to get out of bed or leave the house, hiding out in the dark. I still have low days sometimes, but not extremes like I used to. I do welcome the spaz days. Those are the days I get a lot done. I get into an OCD organization zone or I sit and write. Why am I telling you all of this? I'm not sure. As I've gotten older, I've decided I don't like keeping secrets. I'm done keeping hurtful secrets for other people, and so I'm open about all of it now. I want to share in case there are others like me out there, who have wondered their whole lives what is wrong with them. Don't be afraid to ask for help. And don't be afraid to suggest to a loved one that they might need help. This is something hereditary, so it's important to find out about it.

I give up. Obviously I'm not keeping up with my goal to write more often. Sometimes I think about it and then I realize I don't really have anything new to say. It's pretty much always the same routine. School, piano, homework. JP took 3 weeks of swimming lessons. He worked on the breaststroke (he kept calling it break-stroke), backstroke and freestyle. The also worked on doing turns. He got those down pretty well. He struggled with a few things, but overall did well and passed on his test on Wed. He wants to move up to the next level and since the other two get to do piano, he'll get to do another session before baseball starts. The 3 big boys are all signed up. Holy expensive Batman! I never realized until I had my own kids how stinkin' expensive sports are. Because it's not just the sign-up fees, it's the equipment. Peanut is extremely excited (to say the least) to be playing with his brothers. He did a really cheap and cheesy t-ball this past summer. He really thought we were signing him up for Rookie, which is what JP played last year. It's coach pitch. We signed him up for 6 yr. old t-ball, though because he can't catch yet. The coach pitches, but they do it on their knees and they'll bring the tee out if the kids need it. He definitely won't need it. B made a make shift batting cage in the garage out of the netting we have from the backyard one. That kid can CRUSH the ball. We've never seen a 5 yr. old hit that hard. He not only cranks them off the tee, but hits every pitch from B. Coconut even hits a pitch every so often, but he can hit pretty hard with a big metal bat off the tee. I guess when you have big brothers who play sports, you excel when you're younger from practicing with them. Brag much? :) Anyway, they've been getting some hitting in a few nights a week. JP will move up to AA, which is the first year of kid pitch. And Bubba will stay in AAA so that he can get even better before moving up again. Plus, he was already a year ahead of where he should be. JP is a year ahead as well. B had them at the neighborhood school the other day and he said that Bubba is pitching HARD and FAST! I'm excited that he'll most likely pitch again this year. We'll have the same coach because he's one of the dad's from our football team and we told him we wanted to stick with him. This will work better anyway because now JP and Bubba will be on different nights so we'll be able to see more of their games. We'll just have to take turns with Peanut's games though (which let's face it aren't very exciting). Almost none of the kids know what they're doing and sit out there picking daisies. So we'll have baseball everyday except Sundays. I know you're thinking I'm crazy, but I love watching them so I don't mind. I actually get sad when football and baseball seasons end. I DON'T miss the driving to practices, but I LOVE to watch my kids play and enjoy themselves. It brings me joy to know that it brings them so much joy. I overheard a conversation they had with B the other night about whether they would each play pro baseball or pro football. They weren't sure because they would have to play football on Sundays. But B told them that there are a lot of great players that are LDS and are still good members of the church. I reminded them later that they play pro baseball games on Sundays as well. It made me smile though to know that they thought of something like that. Bubba says he definitely wants to play football in college. That kid is amazing at anything he tries. When Grandma Randall was here, she taught him how to play chopsticks on the piano in a couple of hours. We have to watch him though because we want to make sure he reads music and not just memorizes it.

Lastly, Coconut and I had an interesting conversation the other day. We were driving to the library and we saw a fire truck with it's lights and siren on. He said, "It has red lights on the back of it." I agreed and then he said, "That means that someone got fired." Then I told him that it could also be that someone had a car accident and crashed. He said, "Yeah, there was a crash. A truck crashed into a car because it was blue and not red." He cracks me up. He makes up stories on a daily basis. Today in sacrament he was doing his shape book and he now recognizes oval and rectangle along with all of the ones he already knew.

Well, here's to another busy week.

Invitation Hades and Pirates

 

So Peanut got some new pajamas the other day and now loves to wear them during the day. Hey, I would too if mine were that soft.
 

Here are the wedding invites I've been working on since I have all the time in the world on my hands. First I had to cut 175 chocolate squares 5x7 inches; then I cut the same amount in pink a half inch smaller; then I had to create the wording, which took B and I forever on Microsoft Word to get the right size and to fit two on a page; then I had to cut 16" strips of ribbon. Next, I'll have to adhere it all together times 175; then I'll have to tie the ribbon, add a photo and Target registration card all times 175. Don't forget that I have to print not one, but two labels for each envelope and stick them on, and then have to stuff them. The final step will be to put stamps on each one. I have 79 totally done in envelopes so far, but I'm still waiting on the future mother-in-law to give me the new open house address. The ones completed have the old one, but they're all going out of state, so nobody will actually be coming here for it. My mom said if I don't get the address by tomorrow, then to print them the way they are and she can deal with getting new information to everyone. I have to make bread and two different candies for my visiting teaching ladies and neighbors, plus volunteer at school tomorrow and my own visiting teachers are coming, so I really don't have time to do the rest of the invitations now, but they have to get in the mail by Mon. because the wedding is January 10th and with the holiday mailing times will vary. Why did I volunteer for this again?
 

So in the middle of this today, Peanut came up to me with a pirate patch and told me to put it on and then he took my picture. I think he's a budding photographer since he didn't even cut off my head. Then he put it on and wanted me to take his picture. So as far as the captions, have you seen the veggie tales movie or heard the song about the pirates who don't do anything? It's really cute.
 

 

Really Cool

Wanna know what's really cool? When you're having a nap on the couch with your baby and your 3 year old is just quietly sitting there watching cartoons and then he pees on the couch and your entire body absorbs all his pee. At least I didn't have a huge mess to clean up, but I did have to wake the baby and get in the shower and then make my screaming 3 year old take a shower. Just another awesome day at our house! Now the two older ones are upstairs punching each other because they're supposed to be cleaning their room and it's more fun to argue about who is doing more work.

Rantings of a Mad Woman

Okay, so want to know what's really cool? I tried on my bridesmaid dress for my sister's wedding and couldn't get it zipped up! So today I had to send it back to my mom to return to the store for an even bigger size. So, though I thought of eating my weight in tootsie rolls to feel better, I came to the conclusion that that would not help matters. For the less endowed women out there, be grateful. I know we always want what we can't have, but seriously be grateful. That's the whole reason I couldn't zip the dress up. I know I'll get a little smaller when I quit nursing, but not enough. B said, "If you suck it in and don't breathe, I could probably get it zipped." Gee, honey, that makes me feel so much better. I really wish I was like those women out there who quit eating when they get depressed. Unfortunately, I'm the kind that eats their feelings. Lucky for me! Really the whole reason the dress doesn't fit is that it's a junior size. At least that's what I keep telling myself.

Someday I'll Sleep Again

So I'm running on little sleep again. Poor baby Cart-man was restless all night because he was getting his first tooth. He has decided that there's no better place to sleep than if mom is holding you in her arms in her bed-just laying next to her in bed just isn't good enough. He's great to just hang out and play during the day, but night time is a different story.

Peanut has decided to be a "tiga" for Halloween. The costume is from another year when JP used it and it's a bit small, but he's decided he likes to roar at people. He asked if he could sleep in it tonight, but I told him he would get too hot, so he's going to wear it "a-mah-yo" (tomorrow). We had some lovely pooping experiences this week. One day he decided to go in his underwear and it was grosser than gross, so I took him in the front yard, stripped him naked and power washed him with the hose. He decided it hurt and was cold and didn't want to do it again. I know I'm a bad mom, but it worked with the other two. So the next day I heard someone go into the bathroom and lift the lid and then close it and come out. I asked if he went potty and he said, "No, I was just putting my poop in the toyet." So I checked his underwear and sure enough he had gone a teeny bit and had put it in the toilet, so we changed pants and washed hands for sure after that one. Today, however, I had success. He told me he had to poop and then he went on the toilet! Hooray! We'll see if this is the beginning of the end.

B left for Vegas this afternoon. I watched conference and was spiritually fed. It was so uplifting to hear all the messages of enduring and hope. It makes me feel like I'll make it through these difficult times. The boys and I went to Deseret Book tonight for ladies night and let me tell you, if you're claustrophobic-bad idea. It was wall to wall ladies trying to win stuff. I think that I will re-think attending with 4 kids next time. I didn't win anything much to Bubba's chagrin, but they did have free cherry chocolate truffles and lots of yummy cookies. I took them to Fudruckers for a treat dinner afterwards and the two big boys got salads. How cool is that? The little one had like 2 french fries. I swear he survives on fruit snacks and cereal.

My sister got the bridesmaids dresses for her wedding and mine is a size ginormous, so I have some excercising to do because I refuse to admit I'm that size. I started walking yesterday and I've been eating better. It's hard to feel good about yourself when you're surrounded by skinny women in the ward that survive on twigs and berries and all your sisters-in-law are twigs. I think excercising is highly overrated and I enjoy eating the occassional dessert, so I doubt I'll ever fit into my purple vinyl pants again, but at least I might lose that baby belly so I don't still look 5 months pregnant. Well, my dad insisted I put an updated picture of myself, so I had Bubba take one. It's even sans make-up, so you can see me in all my natural glory. LOL. I'm growing my hair back out. I thought it would be good to cut it for the summer, but now I don't like it. It took me 4 years to grow it to where it was, so I'm missing it. I'll put a before and after photo. Well, I'm single mom again until sometime Tues. night, so we'll see how it goes this time. I told Daddio he owes me big time because the kids have been home from school all week on Fall Break. They barely started school, so I'm not sure what they were thinking having a break all week. I think they watched every Star Wars movie this week and tried to kill each other playing "life savers" (light sabers). We also discovered "High School Musical" from the library and Bubba loved it. He really likes musicals like his mom. He loved "Hairspray" too. I'm thinking he might even like "Mama Mia." Anyway, I'll keep you all updated on the mis-adventures of the week.

Update

So, the boys were supposed to be up taking a shower and instead decided to run around my bathroom and play a game. Peanut peed in my closet!!! Potty training sucks!

Single Mom

Okay, so B had a business trip to Chicago. He left yesterday morning before the butt crack of dawn. So I had to get the kids off to school, make lunches, etc. So yesterday was fine. Today is a completely different story. I ended up grounding Bubba for the whole week before he even went off to school today. I think baby fat-fat is teething so he didn't sleep well last night. I ended up having to hold him in my bed the entire night. If I so much as went near his crib to lay him down, he would wake up and cry. So, I got no sleep. Then I heard Bubba get up at 6:30 this morning. Apparently he played the Wii, even though, we have a no Wii before school rule. I figured it was fine since he was up so early. Well, JP came in my room around 7:20 annoyed that Bubba got to play so he wanted to play before school. I made him a deal and said he could play one super fast game if he got all dressed complete with socks (since usually they forget socks). Anywho, he goes in his room to get dressed and Bubba starts arguing with him saying he's not allowed to play the Wii. I went in because JP was crying (of course), only to discover Bubba beating him up. So I said no Wii for him after school. He proceeded to throw a tanturum, which got him another day of no Wii. Then he decided to stomp around upstairs looking for socks. That got no friends, either. Then he decided to start yelling at me because I didn't wash enough of his socks (I washed all the ones in the closet; I am not responsible for finding them outside or hiding under beds). He couldn't wear long socks because he would look "dorky" and only had one clean short sock. So I told him to find a dirty one to go with it. He continued to yell at me about the stupid socks so I told him if he kept going, it was going to be the whole week. So what does he do? He looks right at me and burps! I said, "That's it, no friends, Wii, or tv for the whole week." He was still grumpy after school because he "hates" homework. He wishes school was never invented. But then we had scouts and he loves that, so he was fine. Now that he's home doing his reading and his brothers are playing Wii, he asked if he could at least play one game, and I said no, so he said, "You're mean. Dad's nicer than you." Which isn't true because he doesn't go back on his punishment either.
So the other one giving me problems today was Peanut. He wore underwear all day today. He did really well going to the store and at home this morning. Then we came home for an hour before picking the boys up from school and he went in my bathroom to play cars and decided to poop in his pants. So I cleaned him up and put clean ones on and we went and got the boys. We pull in the garage, he gets out of his carseat, stands up and pees on the floor. I cleaned him up again and the boys did homework before scouts. Then, at scouts, (I'm a leader and it was my day to conduct), he pees on the stage in the cultural hall, which is carpet by the way. So I have no clean pants for him until scouts is over and we go home.
Meanwhile, B calls me from a Cubs game because the clients they're meeting with tomorrow gave them free tickets! Must be nice. The boys are ticked because he went to a football game last Saturday without them and now he's at a Cubs game. JP played on the Cubs this year for t-ball, so they're extra annoyed. So I decided I would eat my feelings and have a king size box of Milk Duds.
I love my life!

Picture Day and Poopy Pants

So, unfortunately Peanut didn't start pre-school this week like we had hoped. He still won't go on the toilet 100% of the time, especially #2. Can I tell you how inconvienent and gross it is to change the poopy pull-up of a 3 1/2 yr. old?!? Baby Cart-man is rolling around and sitting up on his own now, though, he's still a little wobbly. So my sister is getting married in Feb. I'm thrilled to be helping plan things, though, they're doing the event in Utah. But I think I'm more excited to plan things than her! Tonight we're going ring shopping. Today was picture day at school and it was like the worst day of JP's life. He absolutely HATES shirts with collars. So he had a screaming fit this morning and shuffled his feet and screamed all the way down the stairs and out the door to the car. He woke up both of his younger brothers, much to my dismay. Then when he came home, I asked them how it went and he said, "I felt better after my picture." What a turkey! I swear he's the girl I never had with all his emotions and whining!