Why Don't We Talk About Menopause

This is what menopause looks like. Why isn't it talked about more? Are women ashamed? No one ever talked to me about it. I had no idea why I was feeling so off lately and then on a tv show, a woman about my age started menopause and she was a raging awful person. I decided to look up pre-menopause symptoms and I had like almost all of the ones listed. It was time for my annual wellness visit anyway so I told my Nurse Practitioner to throw on a hormone panel. When I went in, I described everything I had been going through the previous few months. Fatigue-I've suffered from insomnia for decades now, but now even with my medication, I am not well rested and somedays I need an afternoon energy drink or nap. Irritability-like I seriously was angry all the time, super irritated and annoyed with everyone in my family, but especially my poor husband. Belly fat-after losing a good portion of it a few years ago when I started living a healthier lifestyle, the Mom belly was back and wouldn't go away. Crap eating-the sugar cravings were back that I had been able to curb when I started eating better and exercising a bunch. Libido changes-we're talking like zero. Migraines-I've had them for years and have a prescription med, but don't like taking it most of the time because I have to take 2 to lower it to a headache and they make me a little dizzy and sleepy. But after trying 4 different ones, this is the only one that seems to help. So most times I just suffer through it. Depression-I was diagnosed about 12 years ago with bipolar depression and anxiety and have occasional bouts of depression, but usually it's just a blah day and I'm down for no reason. Now, I was experiencing days where I felt like I was drowning. Like totally weepy, overwhelmed, stress, anxiety, the whole gamut. Well, sure enough, my hormones were out of whack and my NP said I was starting menopause. It sucks. I am on a new medication to help with hormonal imbalances and an additional bipolar med to help with depression. And taking my anxiety meds just on those days where I need extra help to function. I hate taking them since they make me super tired. So this is what pre-menopause looks like. I am 46 and people keep saying that I seem too young, but that's the fun thing, it hits every woman differently. I just want women out there not to be ashamed to talk about it. I have literally been telling all my women friends to excuse my moodiness and oversharing probably because I want them to know this is what it is. This is what happens and it sucks, and I pray it doesn't last for years like I've read, but someday this too shall pass. 

Adulting is Hard

Do you ever have days where you're like, "I can't even"? Because I'm having one of those. I'm so overwhelmed with life at the moment. My back is in a billion knots and I've gone to the chiropractor like 5 times now. Bubba will be leaving for college this fall, so obviously I'm worried he'll run out of money, not find a job, or really just not be able to adult. Because let's face it, adulting is hard. JP will be leaving for a church mission next month also. We have a million things to get on his list and hope his passport gets here in time (not likely because for over a month they've been in phase one of reopening and have over a million applications). I'm sad I won't see him for two years. And then he'll come home from his mission and move away to school. So I'll never see him, except hopefully he likes me enough to come home for holidays. Peanut was just diagnosed with celiac disease. After about 6 months of him living in the bathroom, he decided to eliminate gluten from his diet to see if he felt better and I finally thought to ask if he wanted to see the doctor. The pediatrician referred us to a gastro dr. No gluten was helping him feel better and she said we should do blood work. But guess what? You have to have gluten in your system. So, he had to go back on for three weeks and of course, was miserable again. Blood work came back positive for whatever indicates you carry the gene thingy to maybe have celiac. So he had to keep eating gluten until he had an endoscopy with biopsies to check for sure. A jillion dollars later, he for sure has celiac disease. He's six foot now and needs to gain weight, but finding stuff he likes is HARD! He's my pickiest eater-no fruit, no veg, no peanut butter, not even freaking potatoes! Basically, he likes meat and pizza, chips and noodles. I HATE cooking, and now I have to rework all the things I actually do cook to make sure everything in them is gluten free. Everything costs twice as much and he eats a crap ton of snacks. It's also fun to spend $7 on a loaf of bread for him to be like, "This one is nasty. Let's try a different brand." Coco is just about done with baseball. This was supposed to be our year for Little League World Series. We won State the last two years and would've totally gone to Regionals in San Bernardino and possibly on to Williamsport. Instead, they cancelled all baseball. So 12 yo broken hearts all around. Even my heart was broken. This was our family's last chance to go. Fortunately, because Butch is the most amazing Dad Coach ever, he found a bunch of tournaments for us to still participate in this summer. So at least our boys got to play some ball. But in addition to practices, Coco has had a baseball camp and hitting lessons weekly. I have to get him up for camp twice a week at 8:20 am so that's been a blast. And this week, with our final tournament of the year coming up, Butch has zero time to get everything for the amazing hiking trip he has planned for the boys next week. So, I'm in charge of getting all the hiking food, but even after going to three different grocery stores yesterday (in addition to taking JP to three stores for mission stuff and fly fishing stuff), they've all given me more things they want on the list. You're killing me, Smalls. Anyone getting why my back is jacked up? Also, only one thing is even kind of sort of helping my arthritis and I have to apply it multiple times a day and most days wear super attractive wrist braces. And how do you beard wives deal with your husband trimming his beard and getting little beard hairs EVERYWHERE? At least when my stupid long hair sheds I can gather it in a massive hairball and chuck it in the garbage. Awesome. Great. I'm fine. Everything is fine.

It's time to be real people. I've openly talked about my bipolar depression before, but I feel a need to write about it today. The last couple of days have been what I call "low days". That's my way of telling my husband that things will most likely not get done around the house. Though I am getting better about forcing myself to run errands or do a few loads of laundry, even though I really just want to crawl in bed and sleep. Some days it's all I can do to function. And I take medication daily so imagine if I didn't. It's supposed to help with the chemical imbalance in my brain so that I have "normal" highs and lows. Honestly, if I could be guaranteed that I would be manic most of the time, I probably wouldn't take medication. Unfortunately, without medication, I mostly suffer from the depression part. Most of the time I'm okay. But then there are days like yesterday and today where I feel sucky for no reason. That's one thing I think is difficult for people who don't suffer from mental illness to understand. They think there needs to be a reason you are depressed or have anxiety. Like, what happened and how can you fix it? I wish that were the case. But I have no reason. I just feel sucky. Or if I don't feel like I am in control of a situation, I have a panic attack and lose my crap. The sun was out yesterday and it was warm, so I took my laptop in the backyard and edited my latest book. That does make me feel good, but I still don't want to do anything else. I have to actually force myself to do stuff. Today I'm editing and writing a bit too, but I'm stuck on the conflict in the story.

Anyway, in my eyes, mental health is just as important, if not more so, than your physical health. In fact, it can affect your physical health. I am open about my disease because some people out there are ashamed of their mental health issues. Some people might not realize they even have an issue. The more we talk about it, the more people can seek help. I was only diagnosed about nine years ago. When the doctor explained it to me and gave me my diagnosis, I was like, "Holy crap, my whole life I've been sick and thought I was just seriously messed up and unloveable." I thought it was just my personality. When I finally had a name for it, I felt so much relief. I have a child who was diagnosed a couple of years ago with bipolar depression and ADHD. He has improved much since he has been taking medication. Luckily, I was able to recognize the signs because of my own diagnosis. I know teens have many ups and downs, but if you are concerned at all, talk to your child. Sometimes they aren't huge on talking, but make them talk to you. Are they isolating themselves? Are their moods more extreme? Do they get super chatty and spastic and then seem so low they won't leave the house or their room? Only six percent of children with a parent with bipolar disorder will actually develop the disease, but it's better to be vigilant in my opinion. But lucky me, my dad and brother both suffer and now I've passed it on to my child.

But I will not be ashamed. I will not hide from it. It is who God created me to be and it's not in my control. It has made me stronger. I know I can do hard things. I know someday when I leave this life, my body will be made perfect, that includes my broken brain. And just because my brain is broken, does not mean I am broken. It does not mean I am not worthy of love. It does not mean I don't belong. And so, I am here for you people. I got you. I feel you. I understand you. And you are great just the way you are, broken brain and all.

Mission Life- Week 1

Here is Bubba's first letter to family and friends from his LDS mission. It was his first week in the Missionary Training Center in Provo, Utah. He will be serving a two year mission in Washington DC.


Hey everyone!! My first week at the MTC has been so amazing! My district is amazing, I love all the elders and sisters. Elder Francis and Belliston are my companions. We have some awesome times and have a room to ourselves, our zone leaders nicknamed our room the Penthouse. On a spiritual note, this has been one of the best weeks ever. The spirit is super strong here! We've been teaching quite a few investigators and I've really been learning the importance of relying on the spirit when teaching. Every investigator is different and if you listen to the spirit, you'll know what they specifically need to hear. On Sunday night we had a devotional and Elder Quinten L. Cook  spoke! The best part was that all 12 apostles were there! As soon as they stepped in the room the spirit was overwhelming, the power they carry with them can move mountains! The church is true guys! Everyone go on missions! It's amazing, I can't believe the experiences I've already had and I've only been here a week.

"I always get to where I'm going by walking where I've never been."

-Winnie the pooh 

Sainthood

I legit expect to be sainted when I die just for having to deal with boy scouting. This morning, I got a call and email reminder that Bubba has his Eagle board of review tonight and to make sure we have everything. I remembered that he still had to write his little paragraph on what he wants to be when he grows up, but he could do that right after school. What I did forget however, were the letters of recommendation needed. Why is this even a requirement? Anyway, I start panicking on who we can get to bust out some letters really quick and Butch is all annoyed because clearly our kid doesn't care enough about this to have already done it. So I text him at school and tell him to contact a couple of people. I'm impressed that he actually did it. I gave him a couple of ideas of who to ask, but he actually contacted them, and by like 2:30 pm he already had two and another one on the way. He gets home from school and starts getting his uniform together and we realize he has to wear Dad's shirt because his is-no joke- a youth large. We have to try to find the right colored epaulettes for the shoulder thingys and remove the Cubmaster patch (which is stuck on with badge magic so we're talking a serious amount of Goo Gone and scrubbing). One of the troop number patches is the wrong number, but they said that would be okay. So now it's in the wash to hopefully get the Goo Gone residue off. I also had to add like seven badges to his sash.

I also washed and vacuumed the Jeep, got gas, went to the library and store, paid bills, talked to Dish Network on a 3-way call with B, ordered tickets for the temple open house, printed off homework and started reading my cousin's novel as a beta reader. The list of things I need to do is endless-trip laundry, unpacking, vacuuming, cleaning bathrooms, returns to 3 different stores, get a new windshield for the van, get the van detailed to sale, clean the kitchen... etc.

Those things will not get done today. Things I am for sure not doing today-make dinner.

Pig Sty

Let me start off by saying that boys are total slobs. At least mine are. I really hope other boys are too or I'm going to feel like a failure. During the school year our house gets messy like anyone else's, but during the summer it seems like it gets even worse. I went in the kitchen today and started noticing things left out so I decided to make a list. On the table I found:
-Half eaten slice of pizza
-Arts and crafts bucket with various materials scattered all over the table
-Dirty chimichanga plate with sour cream container next to it
-Empty cereal bowl
-2 empty soda cans
-2 empty glasses the soda was poured into
-Tupperware full of Goldfish crackers
On the kitchen counter:
-Chimichanga wrapper
-Ramen wrapper
-Clean dishes from a halfway done dishes job
As well as an open dishwasher with a few dirty items placed in it from said half done dishes job.
On the floor:
-2 pairs of shoes at bottom of the stairs
-2 pairs of shoes by the backdoor
-3 pairs of shoes behind the couch
-1 dirty sock behind the couch
-1 dirty sock on couch from being thrown at younger brother

I might just lose my mind. And of course I'm walking around picking most of this crap up because heaven forbid anyone else should do it or should listen to me when I remind them for the 300th time to pick it up. It's like a conspiracy. "If we leave it long enough, Mom will get sick of it and clean it herself." So please, if you see me running away from home screaming, don't tell my family.

Best Mom Ever

This guy had his wisdom teeth out yesterday. I was not sedated when I had mine removed so I had no idea how wonderful it is to talk to someone when they come out of it. He told me I was a race car driver on the way home, walked into the house as a dinosaur, called his best friend and told her his favorite person is Jesus. Overall, it was amazing.

Now to get to the post title... So obviously he couldn't eat anything yesterday (though he did finally have some mashed potatoes last night over the course of an hour) so I made him shakes all day. Like literally all day. He does cross fit and is on a higher protein diet so I made a high protein yogurt smoothie, then a couple hours later made a protein powder shake, then another yogurt smoothie, then before bed an ice cream shake. Today he took 20 min. to eat eggs for breakfast and I made him another smoothie. I made him a protein shake before we took Coco to his football jamboree. He did manage to eat a few fries for lunch and I just made yet another smoothie. So I love this kid more than life, but I'm spent. I've kept track of all his meds for him and made him shake after shake and mashed potatoes and I'm tired. He has at least thanked me several times. But he's in the playroom a lot playing video games so I've been up and down the stairs every stinking time. (At least I've been getting my steps in).

I got up at 6:30 am yesterday, took him to the oral surgeon, came home, then drove back again because he started bleeding again, back home, over to cross fit so he could say hi to everyone, 20 min up the road for a burger that I was craving (because by this time I was hangry), Target to return something, home again, to the doctor to see if my toe was broken still from like 3 months ago, to the grocery store for mac and cheese for Bubba, home to pick up Coco for football practice, home until I had to go back and get Coco (sat there for 30 min. because they went over time), home until I had to get JP from his friend's house at 11 pm. I was so done. But my awesome husband was camping with scouts this weekend so I was the lone chauffeur. Today my schedule consisted of driving more than 30 min. to get downtown to the stadium for Coco's jamboree game, wait around for an hour and a half until they finally played for their 12 minute turn, Sonic (in the opposite direction of the quickest way home), home on the freeway and on the highest traffic road in the state, didn't even turn the car off because JP wanted me to pick up two friends and drive them to the fair, and finally home again.

Then I asked Bubba if he needed anything (meaning a pain pill) and he responds, "Oh yeah, a shake would be great." So I go downstairs, make the shake and as I go to take it to him, Butch (who is finally home from camping) says, "Hey if you're going upstairs and coming back down, can you get me some eye drops? My eyes are killing me." So I'm pretty much at least one of the top five moms on the planet right now.